I wrote the following article a couple of years ago and remembered it the other day while talking to a friend. I don't think I have ever shared it here, but may have on Myspace, back in the day.
It is fairly self explanatory, but I suggest reading straight through it and then back through the first part again afterwards. Feel free to share, but I would appreciate a link back to this sight.
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Hi,
My name is James Heldon. Please read my story, as I believe it will help you to gain some insight on people like me. We are often misunderstood.
As a child I knew I was always different. I didn’t fit in with the other kids, never had the same interests, sports were boring, cars didn’t catch my eye, nothing that the other guys liked. As far back as I could remember all the other kids made fun of me, because I dressed different than they did, listened to different kinds of music and was usually quiet and to myself.
That all changed, when I turned 18 and moved out of my parent’s home. My dad was never okay with how I was, what I did and what I found interesting. My mom, on the other hand, was very understanding and helped me to cope with some of the rejection I felt as I grew up. I had a few very close friends that I confided in as well, they never judged me or anything, but they always seemed to be trying to talk me out of having the thoughts I did.
I had a lot of people tell me I was twisted, an abomination, evil and I shouldn’t be allowed to walk the streets. I knew that was just how they saw me though, I knew I was different than they were but I also knew in my heart that God had made me how I was. How could I be the way I was on my own choosing? I didn’t like some of the thoughts that went through my head, I couldn’t control the anger I felt when others would judge me.
I prayed all the time for the God I heard about from my dad to change me, but He never did. I still cry sometimes and point my finger in disgust at the sky when I feel like people are looking at me because of my lifestyle. They say it’s a choice, they even say I should be locked up away from everyone else. Now, is that fair? After all I did not choose to be the way I am, do the things I do or be born with these thoughts. I was born this way, God did this to me, so it must be right.
I am currently attending church services. They tell me that God loves me, but I can tell some of these people look at me with disgust. Some won’t even look me in the eyes. My mom doesn’t even come see me any longer, my dad just sends the occasional letter and tells me that I need to repent of my sinfulness and turn to God in faith, to trust in Him. I try so hard to, but I know that his God made me this way, so it can’t be a sin. I have found others where I am now that are like me, they seem to accept me but even they seem to judge me sometimes for what I’ve done to all those guys. They say I was excessive, but I never felt that way.
It felt right when I would hold them before I left them alone in their homes. Some were married, some were single, some had children others had high paying jobs and others had no jobs at all. It didn’t really matter to me as long as they felt like the one at that time. There was one that was different. He actually talked to me before I left. He was crying really hard and was telling me about the same God my dad always did. I don’t really know why he chose to tell me that, but he did. So I had to leave, even before the night was complete. He brought back so many memories of my dad, so I couldn’t carry through with it that night. He actually was the reason I ended up where I am now. Maybe I should thank him; maybe I should curse him.
I don’t think anything will change me. After all I was born this way.
James Lee Heldon
Kentucky State Penitentiary
Death Row
1st Degree Murder X 15 – Serial Killer
James Lee Heldon is one of the most heinous serial killers that Kentucky has ever seen. He stands by the fact that God made him the way he is. He claims to be a Christian even though he says he still desires to kill more people and would if released. He says that his mother would allow him to decapitate neighborhood cats and dogs and would lie for him to cover the deaths when neighbors were looking for their missing pets. His dad never knew the full extent of his son’s sickness, but often times talked to him about repentance and faith in Christ for deliverance from sin. According to James, he always felt like his father was judging him, even though he says that he always told him he loved him and wanted to guide him to know Christ, not just about Christ.
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The preceding story was fictional. Most when reading this story will think that James was a homosexual. That was done on purpose to show that sin is sin, it does not matter if it is sexual sin, murder, lying, stealing or blasphemy. The God of scripture is a Holy God. He demands perfection, which we cannot attain on our own. Most, often try to justify their sins, say they were born the way they are and try to place blame on that Holy God. But we all are born that way. We are all born in the mire of sin, we do not want God – we do not seek after Him – we can’t stand His Holiness and would rather walk down the wide road to hell. We are all born dead in sin, spiritually dead. There is no way that we can resuscitate ourselves, or would even want to. Can a physically dead person want to be alive? Can a dead man tell someone that they want to be alive? Does a dead man seek after someone that can raise them from death? No to all of these. But, this is what Paul says we are spiritually – DEAD- Ephesians 2 lays it out for us saying we are born spiritually dead, followed the ways of this world and it prince, only wanting our pleasures. But God gives saving faith through Grace. Even King David says in Psalms 51:5 that he was conceived sinful.
So how are we made alive spiritually? It’s all by grace, through faith in Christ. God resuscitates us with the blood of Jesus. He washes away our sins, our sin nature. It’s not about making a decision for Christ, filling a God shaped hole in your heart, walking the aisle or saying a prayer. It is all about Jesus, God does it all. There is nothing that we can do to merit His forgiveness, there is nothing we can do to bring ourselves to life. Remember we are dead. All we can do is humbly cry out to Him, repent and believe that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, 2nd in the Trinity, fully God and fully man, came to Earth, lived a sinless life, was tempted in every fashion that we are but remained pure. Willingly gave His life, shed His blood, took upon Himself the full wrath of God for me, because He loves me. He bore our sins on the cross of Calvary, died a horrible and painful death, was buried in a tomb and 3 days later was the resurrected. Jesus was the first fruits from the dead and now sits at the right hand of the Father as His children’s advocate.
I humbly ask that you cry out to God and seek Him. He promised that those that seek Him will find Him Jeremiah 29:13, Deut 4:29. But, it is all about Him, if you are seeking Him it is because He is drawing you John 6:44, Jeremiah 31:3John 6:65, John 12:32. So if you feel the draw, then praise Him that draws you for loving you, for being His.
